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Send My Conscience Home in a Taxi

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Vote for me for pope!
Dancing Kitty
So apparently lay people (who are not people who get laid a lot, but people who are not members of the church hierarchy) can be elected pope.

I believe I deserve this high office, despite being a militant atheist and a sometimes rabid lefty. I certainly couldn't be a worse pope than Pope John XII or stranger than Pope Joan.

Here is my platform. As Pope I would:

  • Excommunicate all pedophiles, rapist and other charmers who are members of the clergy and hand them over to the relevant authorities, with all available evidence.

  • Melt down all the gold, sell all the great art (or give it to some galleries), put all the silks and robes on eBay, unpick all the stained glass windows, remove the golden angels from the spires and sell them as exotic garden ornaments.. And use all the funds to, I don't know, help some freakin' poor people!

  • Use all the land, all of it, owned by the church, up to and including the actual churches, to build low income housing (with the funds from the above!)

  • Get laid. Get laid repeatedly. Get laid on that stupid throne thing with the whole world watching. Because, you know, if you're going to be lecturing people about their love lives you should at least know what you're talking about

  • Admit that Jesus, or Yeshua ben Yosef to use his real name, was just an interesting historical figure, a Jewish mystic experiencing episodes where he thought he was talking to Yahweh, who probably looked a lot like an aged Woody Alan, and who's story wasn't written down until at least a generation after he died.

  • Open the Vatican library and archive to anyone who wants to see it

  • Forgive Copernicus, Galileo and which ever other scientists where suppressed in an effort to enforce ignorance.

  • Stop giving a stuff about people who are same sex attracted. Damn man, have you seen some of these robes? What goes on in your bedroom is nobodies fucking business

  • Condoms. Because well der.

  • Stop pretending the Pope has any moral authority whatsoever.

  • Apologize. To everyone. For centuries of Latin bullshit. For not doing more to protect the Jews during the second world war. For the many forms of misogyny - the banning of divorce, the Magdalene laundries, the exclusion from all forms of power. Apologize to for the centuries of wars like the crusades and for creating the inquisition. And for taking the ideas of an egalitarian selfless hippy anti-authoritarian Jewish mystic and turning them into a self perpetuating hierarchical aggrandizing reactionary organization which claims absolute authority over everyone's soul for this life and forever.

Vote for me.

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Well said. Good platform. You've got my vote.

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