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Send My Conscience Home in a Taxi

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Worst Movies Ever
Cat Go Blah Blah Blah
Following my musings a few weeks back about what a shit film "The Clone Wars" was, I got to thinking about what the worst film I'd seen actually was.

I did set some criteria - things one rents on video don't count, because one can just hit eject and move on. And films that are noted for being very very bad - such as "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and indeed "Barbarella", both of which I've seen - also don't count. They're so bad they're actually good again.

So, here are some films I have actually coughed up money for, and then had to sit through in the cinema. I've never walked out of a movie, but here are some I wish I had.

One of them was a French film called Queen Margot. I actually can't remember now quite what it was about it that shitted me - although being nearly three hours long certainly didn't endear it to me. I think it was just poorly acted, had not much story, and lots of random violence. There were far too many characters, and it was difficult to know who was who - plus several characters dramatically changed their appearance during the film. So I was left wondering "who the heck is that?". I remember talking to the two people I'd been to see it with afterwards, and we'd all thought of walking out, but didn't!

Lets see. I saw a German film called "Clon" (German for "Clone") in about 2005, which seems to have disappeared without a trace on the internets. Can't find it on IMDB, or the Wikipedia or even in a plain Google search! It was a beautifully produced film, very well shot... and absolute shite. It told the story of a famous pianist who has herself... cloned. Hence the title. The plot was shit, the acting was terrible, and it also dragged on and on and on.

Another film I almost walked out of - Human Nature. Now that I think about it, my then girlfriend actually did walk out of it. This film had a lot going for it, the guys who did "Being John Malkovich" were behind it... Although it might have been "from the producers of..." or "has the same costume designer as..." in order to make some tenuous connection. And it has Tim Robbins in it, plus a few other respectable actors. And it to was terrible. It was supposed to be a comedy, but I don't think I laughed once. Part of the plot involved Tim Robbins' character teaching mice to have manners, there was a man who'd been raised as an ape, and lots of other quality plot points like that. There were about four other people in the cinema when I saw it, and it ran for maybe two weeks before being yanked from the screens.

And finally, to be fair, I should mention an Australian film. The Proposition, written by hometown favourite Nick Cave. And frankly if he hadn't written it, I doubt the film would have been made. The plot, such as it was, seemed to consist of a series of extremely violent episodes which didn't really lead anywhere, or follow each other logically. Or indeed resemble anything like a dramatic plot. It was basically a lot of shooting and a lot of blood. Several quite good actors were wasted in this one as well. Lots of people walked out of the cinema when I was seeing this, almost right up until the end.

There you go. There's at least forty or fifty bucks, and about ten hours of my life I'd like to have back :-)

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I actually gotta say that Queen Margo is one of my absolute favourite historic films - I cry in the end of that film every time I watch it. Isabelle Adjani is great in the title role. I guess it goes to show how different people's views are :) Polina

One Mans Meat is another man's Poison

Interesting. I'm unlikely to give it a second chance - too traumatised from the first time I saw it :-)

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