Send My Conscience Home in a Taxi

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Kitty Rendition
Cat Go Blah Blah Blah
maxcelcat
(Hello, if you are my landlord or the satanic agent who represents him, please don't read this entry :-)

My flat is being inspected this week by the real estate agent who manages it. Damn it. They're fair more diligent than the last lot who used to run the place. They inspected the place once in three and a half years, this new mob does it every six months, as they are entitled to (and not, as said agent claimed "obliged by law".)

This presents to problems for me. One is I have a cat living here, in direct contradiction of my lease. Strictly speaking he's not mine, he belongs to a guy called Jack. But given that Jack has bought an apartment in Berlin, and I've had Marvin the cat for about fourteen months now, he is, in effect, my cat. This was the excuse I gave last time the place was inspected. I had the genius idea of leaving Marvin outside, hoping the real estate agent wouldn't spot him. Marvin didn't play along, however, and darted in the door as soon as he saw someone open it! D'oh!

So this time I've sent him on vacation to Preston. For some reason, my cousin's kids have bonded with him. I did warn them that he bites and often scratches, but that didn't deter them. So I took him up there for a little holiday. This may also solve their rodent problem - so it's a win-win situation :-)

Is is kinda sad that I already miss him? I came home and there wasn't a cat meowing at the door demanding to be fed. On the other hand, I also won't have him trying to sleep in my bed and changing positions twenty times a night. Or noisily licking himself right next to my head.



The other problem I have with the flat inspection is that I am a slob, and so I need to transform my place into a house that doesn't look like a slob lives here. No easy task. I've basically spent the whole weekend cleaning the place. It looks presentable now, but I was gobsmacked by the amount of cruft I'd accumulated in my flat! I turfed out about seven large empty boxes, a pile of metal which had been an Apple Mac G4 case, and loads of other recycling - I more or less filled an entire wheelie bin. A big one! Then there was the vacuuming up of at least enough cat hair to make two entire cats... And the three or four loads of clothes washing. I was genius enough to have all my towels on the line at the same time - and also disturbed to discover that I own ten towels of various sizes! What kind of a bachelor am I???

Anyway, gotta keep it presentable till Wednesday evening, then I can start fucking the place up again.

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Waaaaaiiit just a minute there... they're allowed to come into your flat and have a go at you if it's messy? How on earth is that legal? I'd go out of my way to have it extra messy for their arrival. I mean, what are they going to do, call the laundry police and have you arrested?

That's just not on. I can't imagine what legal right they have to do that if they don't have sufficient reason to believe there's something legitimately wrong inside the apartment (e.g. you've complained about repairs that need doing).

No, strictly speaking they aren't assessing my place on the basis of cleanliness - that's reserved for parents :-)

Strictly speaking, they're really only allowed to comment on the structural integrity of the place - if I have broken windows or permanently stained the carpet or what have you. So one really makes the place clean for their arrival to give of an air of "competent renter", someone who isn't a danger to the property. I mean, mouldy pizza boxes on the floor probably spells a dangerous tenant :-)

And in my case, I had to conceal the Kitty. Which meant a) hiding the cat in another suburb and b) vacuuming up the piles and piles of cat hair!

Which is not to say my flat is not still cluttered with junk, it is, but it's neat junk, relatively free of dust!

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